Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thankful at Last

Since my mid–30's, I’ve had big problems with self–pity, mostly having to do with the fact that I’m gay.  “I have lived someone else’s life,” I thought.  I was in a heterosexual marriage with four daughters, a wife, and a mortgage.  Poor me!!!

In the last year or so, my thinking on my life has changed big–time.  First of all, I don’t think God has a plan for my life.  She gave me life and, essentially, said “Go out and live it.”  She made me gay, just as She made me right-handed and gave me a penis I wish were bigger.  But She didn’t care what I did with that life.  My choices in life have been made for justifiable reasons and, even if they weren’t the best, they certainly all have been good ones.

I married the one woman in the world who really knows and understands me.  She has gone through everything with me, and she still loves me and is my best friend (but NOT my wife—neither of us want that any more).  Together we have had four daughters, all so very different from us and from one another, but all beautiful, gifted, caring, and delightful to be with.  We have lived in nice houses, we have had a lot of fun traveling and learning about life from our travels, one another, and our kids.

I have had good, well–paying, and respectable jobs.  I worked with people I admire and respect, and I made a lot of good friends while making a living.  We have had enough money to provide well for ourselves and our kids, with some left over for luxuries like travel and nice things.

Beni has been after me to scan our enormous (after 32 years together) photo collection so that, if there is a fire, we will have our photo albums intact.  In the past 2 weeks, I’ve started the scanning process, storing the pix on my FaceBook page, where they let me keep these treasures for free.

As I’ve gone through all these pix, my appreciation for my life has grown.  Sure, it would have been cool to have a male partner and, when I was young, to have had mad passionate sex with him several times a day.  But my experience of gay men in long–term relationships lets me know that, had I had such a male partner, after 32 years, and being 64 (almost), I would be in the same place sexually I am now, and I wouldn’t have all the goodies my life with Beni has given me, especially our kids.

No more self–pity for me.  Just gratitude.  And it’s about time.

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