Thursday, May 12, 2011

Death Comes Unexpectedly (A Meditation on Porn)

Do you remember the scene in the Disney movie, Pollyanna, where the minister, played by Karl Malden, is preaching a fire–and–brimstone sermon?  The theme of the sermon, repeated often throughout, is, “Death Comes Unexpectedly!”  Pollyanna’s eyes bugged every time the preacher yelled those words.

I’ve been thinking about those words a lot lately myself.  I read the obituaries in The Washington Post and every day it seems people my age and younger are dying.  Scary.  I don’t plan to die anytime soon, but who knows?

I’ve written before about my affection for porn.  I don’t enjoy commercially–produced porn; I have only one porn DVD, and that was a gift.  I long ago got rid of all the rest.  There were never many; I was not a collector.  What I do enjoy, however, is self–made porn that is found on sites like X–Tube.  I have a lot of downloads from such sites on my portable hard drive, and I don’t want to erase them.

Since coming out 24 years ago, my taste in porn has changed.  It’s now a bit unusual; I probably should say “kinky.”  Even some of my gay friends wonder about my porn taste.  There is nothing horrific about my tastes, I don’t think.  I’m not into anything having to do with violence, pain, or extremely large body parts going into small body parts.  What I do find “entertaining,” though, probably is a bit unusual.

I have my pron collection on the one hand, then, and in the other hand I hold the obituary page from the Post.  What to do, what to do?  I have no problem with another gay man seeing what I find sexy.  I do have a problem with one of my daughters (some of whom no doubt will read this in the next several days) going through my computer and coming upon this “different” material. I’m not ashamed of it, I don’t think.  I believe it is part of a sexuality that has been, and, thank my lucky stars, remains vigorous.  It’s just that I have no idea what one or more of my daughters might think if they, in their female heterosexual innocence, come upon it.

“Death comes unexpectedly,” Karl Malden screams at me in my mind.  I want to be as prepared as I can be.  On the other hand, I want to enjoy my days as I live them out and part of my joy comes from porn.

The bottom line, I guess, is that once I die, I’ll be, of course, dead.  I won’t be here to have to deal with whatever it is my daughters think of me, whether it’s because of the porn or because of their meager inheritance.  I know each one of them, and my gut tells me that any of them who come upon my digital stash will find it funny and maybe somewhat telling.  Maybe they’ll find that they know be better after finding it.  Maybe they’ll find that I was even more human than they thought.  Maybe they’ll love me more for having been so weird.  They think I’m weird as it is, so what’s a little more proof?

Let death come, unexpectedly or otherwise.  I’ve done my best.  I trust my daughters to continue to be the loving people that they are, each with a great sense of humor, and each with her feet planted firmly on the ground.  I always say that they’re all better people than I am.  I know without much doubt that they’ll continue to be better than I am even after I’m gone.

1 comment:

  1. Hello Geezer, I am a Justin reader who occasionally happens by your site when Justin links to you. I also happen to be a Techy and gay. there is a free program out called it allows you to create an encrypted filesystem that windows (or Mac or Linux) can then mount as a virtual drive. You give it a password and then treat it like a hard drive dragging files in and out at will. As long as you don't forget your password anything inside the encrypted drive is accessible to you, but to no one else without a great deal of decryption. If you have questions you can contact me at