Friday, May 6, 2011

White, Christian, Heterosexual, Reactionary Conservative, American Males


I’ve been wondering—really wondering—why all of a sudden white, Christian, heterosexual, reactionary conservative, American (WCHRCA) males are fighting like hell to undo 70+ years of civil rights struggle and advancement for African Americans.  Why they rabidly have been trying to overturn Roe v Wade and all the other civil rights achievements made by women since the 1960's.  Why the thought of gay marriage sends these dudes around the bend and why the thought of openly gay soldiers terrifies them so.

What’s going on?  What possibly could be the matter with these poor babies?

First, some boring data.  For 2005, the latest year for which I could find information, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports (at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr57/nvsr57_08.pdf) that, across the board in all categories, women are more likely to miscarry male fetuses than female fetuses.  Several theories exist about why this is so.  One is that the woman’s XX chromosomal composition is intrinsically incompatible with the male fetus’s XY chromosomal make–up.  The theory that I embrace is that male fetuses are more fragile than female fetuses and so less likely to withstand the rigors of uterine gestation.  Males, in other words, are delicate.

Now, put these delicate creatures into a fast–changing societal free-for–all, and things are bound to happen!

The poor WCHRCA male!  In 1960, WCHRCA males could expect to be married by a pastor who would tell him in the marriage ritual that he was to be the “head of his wife as Christ is head of the church.”  His wife, in that same ceremony would promise to “obey him.”  The power!!!  The security!!!  All the benefits of having a mother, except he could have sex with her and he didn’t have to listen to what she said.  1980 comes along, the 2.3 kids all are grown, and his wife, brandishing a burning bra, tells him to “fuck off,” secures a quick divorce, and moves in with a tennis instructor 15 years her (and his) junior.

The poor WCHRCA male!  In 1960, he KNEW he was superior to the men of color at his office.  They all worked in maintenance, facilities, and housekeeping, while our WCHRCA make enjoyed the view from the window of his carpeted, but tiny, office on the 39th floor.  Come 1981, and his boss is African American, his daughter is engaged to a boy from Ecuador, and his ex–wife has left her tennis instructor for a Yogi (still 15 years their junior) from India.

The poor WCHRCA male!  In 1960, he could have anal sex with the neighborhood homosexual in his Daddy’s basement, and then call him names every time he passed him in the High School corridor.  Every WCHRCA male back then knew that being gay was disgusting and against the law, to say nothing of the “Abomination” factor whispered about at Church.  Homosexuals were sick!  Come 1985, and his African American boss is openly gay and living with his biker boyfriend in one of the better parts of town in a home he could never hope to afford.  Meanwhile, his ex–wife has come out as lesbian and is living with her pro-golfer girlfriend in Augusta, Georgia.

The poor, sad WCHRCA male.  Life has been difficult.  Today, many people reject his Christianity as superstitious and harmful to mental health.  His racist views have forced him into the redneck ghetto where life is hard and the sun don’t often shine.  It’s been 50 years since he had sex because no woman will come within a quarter mile of his grossly overweight body.  Physically fit homosexuals are parading down the streets of his city with their privates on display and people stand on the sidelines and cheer.  And, horror of horrors, there is an African American in the White House!!!!

Being a WCHRCA male, he will not seek counseling.  He is strong, goddamnit!!!  But he sinks day by dreary day deeper into beer–infused depression.  His only friends are his fellow poor WCHRCA males who gather every evening in the local pub.

Then, out of the ether, as if by the miraculous hand of a WCHRCA male god, comes Fox News.  Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and others are there night after night, hour after hour, telling our poor WCHRCA male that he is a victim; that gays should be sent to reorientation gulags;, that women should be home, barefoot, pregnant, and excellent country cooks; that African Americans should go back to Kenya where obviously they were born.  Miracle of miracles!  Life can be again what is was in 1960, or, better yet, in the glory days of 1945.  If only they can elect several thousand of their own kind, getting rid of all non–WCHRCA males, paradise will once again appear on earth and there will be no need for the Rapture.

I figured it out. . . didn’t I?

1 comment:

  1. Wow Ed I think you just nailed it. If you were not a gay man I'd be scared about how well figured out you have all this! :-) the only thing you forgot is how the white man hates the brown man and how afraid and paranoid he is that Mexico is taking back California, Texas, Arizona and New Mexico.

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