I’m of two minds. . . often. You would think that, at my age, I’d know what I want to do, what I want to say. Not so. I am now, and I always have been, wishy-washy.
Twice in the past week I have written pieces to use in a forum and, after an hour or so, deleted them. One was about divorce (not mine), the other about abortion (again, not mine or ours).
In both cases, I wanted to write about intense feelings that I have, or have had, about these things. The pieces I wrote were honest and revealing. The “honest and revealing” part is just why I deleted them. Although my family and friends don’t know about the forum in which they would have appeared (so that I can be “honest and revealing”), one never knows what Google will do, does one?
One of my many faults: I want to please everyone at the same time, all the time. I’ve met other gay men with this same trait, and all of us have had a rough time in life because of it. When I was in school (seminary), I lived 24/7 with my Franciscan brothers. We all got to know one another really well over the period of ten years when we were together. My brothers told me hundreds of times that I was “wishy-washy.” What they saw that prompted this characterization is the same trait that made me delete these two essays. I can’t make up my mind because I can’t figure out how to do something without – possibly – offending someone who is important to me. My brothers also characterized me as “nice,” by the way. This characterization was another result of the same please-everybody obsession that caused “wishy-washy.” I have come to detest the adjective “nice” when it is applied to me, possibly because I know it is the result of a trait that isn’t helpful to me.
Enough of this.
Pax et bonum.